I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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