3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
