Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
