he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
