i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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