Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize