seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
