I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
