tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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