there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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