u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
