I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
