My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
