i always forget guys have bellybuttons
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
