Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
