I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
