today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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