guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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