youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
