I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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