I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
