He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
