Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize