did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
