I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
4 words: hood of his car
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
