I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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