I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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