Porn is love you can see.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
