Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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