Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
