She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
