It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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