He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
