have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
