there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
