He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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