I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
