I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
