Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize