Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
