Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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