i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
