mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
