can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
