Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
