I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
