Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
