So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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