pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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