none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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