i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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