grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
