K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
