Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
