Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
