I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
