Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
