I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
