Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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