remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
